What Does It Take To Make Best Damn Burger?

So, you're probably thinking that I am doing this on my own terms. True. But I think you'll find that is basic common sense. Get your note pads out you friggin' nerds.


1. the bun
The bun MUST be a size relative to the patty and ingredients. Too much bun is uncalled for and a sign that the ingredients and patty cannot be trusted to stand alone. A variety of bun options is greatly appreciated (ie. multigrain, poppyseed, home made etc.). a grilled bun = extra points. This is because it creates a sog-barrier and helps to avoid slobbyness (a term and function which will be debated at another time.)

2. the patty
The patty is obviously the most essential part. If your patty fails to impress, you're burger will not stand a chance. I don't care if your bun is deep fried in truffle oil and served with gold shavings, it will fail and I will make you cry.
THE PATTY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE BEEF it just has to act like a beef patty. Do whatever you want: ostrich, bison, tuna steak, chicken, even veg(gag)gie just make it act like a burger, ok? Oh, and if it is not beef please don't try and make it taste like beef. I want to taste that awkward, flightless bird.
RULE NO. 1 OF THE BURGER: do not overcook it. if you do this I will chuck it at the client next to me to demonstrate that an over cooked patty can kill, got it?
If you cannot offer me a medium rare burger then your meat is not fresh.
I cannot hold this against you if you are a dive, because some of the best burgers come out of pubs that reek of stale beer and depression. However, if you are a decent restaurant and claim that your burgers are 'the best' you had better give me options.
YOU MUST BE JUICY. If I don't have burger juice running down the side of my hand, then you are not juicy enough. You should be able to cook the patty well done (for those unadventurous types) and still make it juicy. I have some tips for that but that is coming in a future post (it involves booze...).
Seasoning is key here, people. Please be original but if you over spice, you are dead to me.

3. the ingredients
The regs: Lettuce, tomato, onions (preferably red) and PICKLES. You must offer pickles (dill only). A pickle-less burger is a crime. God I can't believe I actually have to tell you that...
These items do not have to be present at all times as there are burgers out there that specialize in shocking ingredients...kudos...you guys are some of my favorites.
The others: Creativity ingredients are always the best...just go for it...put crazy, weird shit in it and you will probably win me over. Go ahead, put coffee grounds and roasted lime zest in there...AS LONG AS IT WORKS. Weird for the sake of weird is just stupid.

4. the sauce
OK, don't try and fool me with tons of sauce cuz you know your burger is dry as shit. I'll know, liar. Sauce on a burger is not essential but sometimes a welcome compliment. Creativity here, is also essential, but like I said with other ingredients it has to work with the rest of the construction.

5. Cheese
The more selection the better. But if you put fake cheese on my burger I will chuck it at the client next to me to demonstrate that molten, orange plastic will cause second degree burns to the face. You don't want that, now do ya?
Smoked, peppered, marbled and aged - all good.
Oh and if you don't serve cheese on you house burger, then you're cheap and I hate you. Let those lactose intolerant wusses opt out if they want but don't take it out on the rest of the population.

6. add ons
You MUST offer ad ons. Sauteed mushrooms and onions, bacon, a variety of cheese, friggin anchovies wrapped in snake skin, whatever. Just give me options.

6. the burger juice
the burger juice is the shit that drips off the burger, your hand and face. It is the culmination of everything that your burger has become. The sauces, the meat, the ingredient and the cheese - all of that mixed into one incredible juice. I have only one thing to say about that. If I don't want to bottle it and sell it on eBay then you probably won't want to read your review.

I reserve the right to change this definition at any time. Suggestions are only sorta welcome.